A perfect loneliness
When Agatha’s father died, the world stopped. She and Mutti were now alone. Her father had a big family, but they ignored Mutti and Agatha. Holidays were excruciatingly painful, especially Christmas. Agatha was young but she understood that other children had grandmothers and aunts who made them Christmas stockings, while she had none. It was painful to see Mutti’s face when her Christmas cards went unanswered and no one called on St. Nicholas Day. Agatha often wondered if it was meanness on purpose or meanness through neglect. No matter, it was meanness and that was all that mattered. It was painful all the same.
In her pain, Agatha could have lashed out at Mutti, leaving Mutti more isolated, but Agatha did not. Somehow her and Mutti formed a team. The more they were ignored, the more they made a wonderous world for themselves. Mutti insisted that Agatha celebrate Christmas. She made a point to take Agatha to the Weihnachtsmarkt, whenever she wanted. And, Mutti insisted on a Christmas Tree, the biggest that could fit into their small house. Mutti made Agatha feel special. It was a perfect loneliness in which Agatha felt safe.
Now, she was part of a family. Not only her and Mutti, but Herr Finkham, Sarah, Bella, Frau Kochin, the maid, all live together in the White House. There was laughter and joy. Agatha felt safe still, but in a different way. She was not ignored during the holidays but felt cherished. Now she did not celebrate Christmas but different holidays, Jewish ones, along with her family. She belonged.