“Imagine a particle accelerator, but like a lot slower. And there aren’t any particles.”
***
“What bar did you say found this guy in?”
“Utah Saloon. Chinatown, you wouldn’t know it.”
“I know how to use the Google, dear. Alright, let’s hear the rest of it. It’s like something, but it’s not. Got it. What’s next?”
***
“So there’s this guy, real mad scientist type, but he’s not mad and not really a scientist, more like an ironic wizard, and he’s got a secret lab and everything, but it’s not really a lab in a conventional sense, you get it. And he’s got everything! Zombie philosophers, vampire heart surgeons, goblins with PTSD, vegan dragons that spit PETA videos instead of fire, and even replicants of Greta Thunberg!”
***
“What, nothing ironic about Greta?”
“Dad! Shut up and let him talk. This is high-concept stuff. Trust me for once.”
***
“So there’s a knock at the door, and we hear a voice.
‘Hey, ironic wizard! Where’s the antiparticle decelerator?’
And then the ironic wizard says, ‘Yes, yes, yes. It’s time for the big reveal.’
And then we see the real Greta Thunberg coming down the stairs. She surveys all that she sees and says, ‘You did all this with an antiparticle decelerator?’
And the ironic wizard says, ‘That’s right! I examined all the scientific data I could find, only the most cited work out there–YouTube, Reddit, and the Artist Formerly Known as Twitter–and I extrapolated and aggregated all the data–and then executed modern ancient techniques, especially subtextual infotickling and–he inhales–after several deconstructive iterations, I forged the antiparticle decelerator! We can finally show the world that anything is possible. We can fix the climate! We can fix-“
***
“Alright, alright. I’ve heard enough. Greta, you can’t seriously believe I want this guy in staff?”