My husband is a snake. Most people think that’s metaphoric, to which I say: “ha ha”. He is a snake, he’s a fully grown corn snake, his name is Rex. He is over 15 feet long We married in the field outside of Sparky’s Garage on Highway 9, under the chestnut trees. We were witnessed/assisted by my best friend Susan and her little brother Kirk who we swore to secrecy with threats of being pantsed at school and a reward of one of Susan’s berets and an entire box of stolen chocolate Pinwheels (they’re expensive, also they’re frequently stale because we live in the boonies on the backside of the Santa Teresa mountains and things don’t tend to get here quickly).
We met last summer, when we were both 11 years old. I think when I was on a walk in the foothills. My cousin Barbara helped me put it into a cloth sack that she had packed lunch in. The guy down at Loyd’s Reptiles thoughtRex was about eleven because Rex was already almost 5 feet long and I was about the same.
‘Why didn’t we wait’, you’re probably wondering. Well, because my lifetime is likely to surpass his unless we do a double suicide pact. He’s not expected to live past 20 and I hope to live to 100. JK. All my friends will be dead by then. But I do want to try and live longer than 20 because,,, I just got married.
After the ceremony Me, Susan and Kirk each drank a can of lukewarm diet coke and I gave Rex a live pinky mouse to strangle and eat.
He’s not a picky eater like some corn snakes are, probably because although he sometimes sleeps in my house, he’s basically an outdoor guy. I knew that when I met him and I wouldn’t change him for anything in the world.
Of course Susan wanted to know about sex but it’s not like that. Wait. Okay. It’s like that, but not like like that. Snakes are cool to the touch and smoother than anything in the world, smoother than water, smoother than chrome.
When Rex curls up next to me I turn on my side and curl around him. His tail lightly touches my stomach and I don’t touch him with my arm. I can feel him breathing and he can feel me and we can stay that way for ever, if only forever we could.