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We are all limited by what we think we deserve …..and when it comes to the knowledge of our futures, we are all limited by what we don’t even know we don’t know….. what we don’t know we don’t know shapes us far more than we are willing to give credit to……in that way, each and every one of us is the absolute victim of our own ignorance, and we must all therefore be forgiven for that glitch in the human spiritual anatomy.

I sought audiences’ love, laughter and approval all my early decades.
I sought it with all the energy i had to give the search…with little room else for other life-affirming things like family, children and the welfare of others. I sought audiences the way a drug addict seeks his next fix. Each audition was a life or death thing…because my oxygen supply would or would not be filled by the next casting, the subsequent rehearsal process where theatrical families are formed (we promise to stay in touch and never if rarely do so), and where we can finally put ourselves- our well rehearsed selves- in front of that next group of people who will give us the thumbs up or down proof that we can endure….until the next audition…the next critics’ roundup of opinions that become the lining of tomorrow’s birdcages…..critics opinions as pee pads….but we lived for such nonsense. And our producers believed that bullshit….birdshit?- to the tune of millions of wasted dollars each venture.

What I did not acknowledge was my true request: for the kind of all healing love only some cosmic spirit could grant me….dare i call it God? Well, at least, the Buddha…the all possible source of something that could forgive me forever and a day… i guess what I did not know was i was looking for forgiveness.

Forgiveness for what?
Being imperfect?
Being flawed?

I spent decades of my creative life looking for a forgiveness i never even knew i needed.
When all along, that forgiveness was within my grasp each and every time i walked out onto a public stage.
And even when i did not walk out there…my forgiveness was within me all along, and i never knew to simply ask for it.