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I kept hearing: “Please let him die soon…before i have a chance to get to NYC to see him..i do not want to see him in a wasted state….i want to keep my memories of him as tall handsome robust and sexy.
But friendship ( and former marriage) aside, the decent thing for me to do is to get to NYC and see him as soon as possible……

But i keep hearing myself thinking: please let him die a peaceful death before i get there…and then ,maybe i won’t have to go East at all.
I despise flying, so add to that the fact that i will have to stay in a hotel and set up housekeeping in a hotel room in a city i have not visited in years, and you have every one of my disaster scenarios in place….my dear current husband will not be able to join me there for anther two weeks….
I am not sure how I can survive without him by my side.

Am I a horrible person because I want my old friend to die before i have a chance to say goodbye….people keep telling me i will regret not saying goodbye….but i cannot imagine sitting by his bedside and holding his dear hand while he leaves us….i am not good with death….but then who is?

When I was 16years old, my Daddy left the house one weekend with Momma, and i never saw him again….he died of a heart attack while away. That has been my example of death since then…..the unexpected, even if expected.

I honor my dear friend and soon to be late ex-husband…..but do i really have to go see him ….do i have to fly and end the trip with a death i would rather never face? Fifty years of my life have been lived i his presence, one way or another.

Can I survive without my dear friend in this world with me?
I hear myself thinking, please let him go before i have to suffer more.
I am a selfish woman.
I want to spare my suffering, thinking little of his.

I guess this is only a natural response to terror…wanting to avoid it.
But i am shamed by my own thoughts, and i feel so sad.