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Do you ever wonder now men and women actually get together? Think about how we approach each other as young, sexual things. Men are attracted by what they see, the physical aspects of what’s possible. Why else would we women spend so much time worrying about how we look? If a relationship forms and if the couple continues longer term, other things follow — psychological, emotional, intellectual connections.

With women, it’s often the other way around. We are attracted to what? It’s sometimes how a guy looks. More often, it’s because he’s kind or we engage in a stimulating conversation or he listens. It’s psychological or emotional or intellectual. After one or more of those bonds form, then we think about the physical aspects of looks and sexual intimacy.

Historically, women had to be “demure” and “wait” for a mate. Marriages were arranged (by men) and women got what they got. Things shifted in the early to middle twentieth century. While women still “waited,” they also sent out signals, but the men did the asking for a “date”. Nowadays, more women are inclined to be bolder and indicate interest in a man, but that’s more in Western culture than world-wide.

Studies have confirmed, however, that the natural bent of the human species is for the woman to pick her mate. Men may ask; women choose. Of course, the constructs of male intervention — arranged marriages, controlling parents or fathers — still exist, but it’s women who have to say yes, whether voluntarily or under duress. The extreme is that the woman’s not asked, simply sold to someone for dowry or cash or family survival.

All of this makes me wonder about the many lies our species tells itself about how we live. Lies about how we get together as mates, lies about monogamy, lies about the order of events (marriage before children), other lies too numerous to mention. How did we get to the point of lying to ourselves so much? The difference is not between “us” as human beings. The difference is between what we tell ourselves and what’s really going on.