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I lost 30 years of time with you. My childhood too hard to stay for. I blamed you for years. How could you let it happen? Why did you not protect us? Why was I not enough? I moved as far away as I could manage. It was a difficult time with no family support. But I did build a great network of other single mothers. All the while berating your mothering of me, or lack of. I was merciless in my anger and loathing. Even though it was dad that was producing the blows, your role was the protector and I could not forgive you. I raised my kids far away, but let them stay with you for 2 weeks in the summer. I visited like a dutiful daughter. I followed all the rules of our Irish/Montenegrin family. All the while seething inside. Then dad got cancer. I came back for his last 2 weeks and stayed with him as he was choking for air. All the smoking, drinking and anger came back for him and he was a small, miserable boy-man. No longer to be feared. I stayed and helped him. It was not altruistic. I needed to heal and wanted to do it while he was still alive. My throat has always closed up whenever I wanted to speak out about our past. It hurt and nothing but dust came out when I tried to use my vocal chords. So I gave up on the idea of confrontation and instead, got to know his past and how it fit into mine. Generations of trauma. No wonder. He died and then it was just you. My siblings, nieces, nephews, kids and grandchildren all moved back “home”. I was still far away but I began noticing this sad and aching hole inside of me. It felt like a family hole. My friends told me it was a “god hole”, a place that could only be filled by a spiritual belief of some kind, any kind, it didn’t matter. But it still felt like family to me. It became persistent and constant and finally won. I moved back to the land of my old home. I had forgiven you by now. Years of therapy helped to move that along. I wanted a good relationship with you. I saw how happy and grateful you are for everything. We joke that no matter what the meal is, you will say it’s the best you’ve ever had. And mean it. I’ve never known anyone who can see the joy in everything. I want this quality. I want to be around it and absorb it. I want to have fun with you. So we did. We went on trips. You came with me when I did site visits out of town. We stayed at sketchy places and laughed about it later. We got lost. We went to lots of quilt stores, your joy. We drove and we laughed. Every once in a while we talked about those painful times, but as we moved through the present, the past let go it’s hold. I have had many years of joy with you. I am your medical power of attorney because you know I will be able to”pull the plug”. I know you want a catholic funeral even though you won’t be here for it. I am not promising anything. We shall see. You are losing your mind, slowly at first, but now quickly. You still love everything. You think nursing homes are wonderful. I hate the smell of urine but you love the staff and all the nurses. You are kin to them, having done their job. I no longer laugh with you. Sometimes you do or say something very funny but it’s more like laughing at you, now. The time of traveling together is over. No more jokes. You smile and laugh but I know you didn’t hear right and you are making things up to cover your mental lapse. I will live without you. I will not feel regret. I am happy that I moved back and spent valuable time with you. I have known you. Part of you has migrated to me. I know I will be sad when your body is gone, but I will live without you.