Today my mind is consumed with small questions – why I’m so tired, so thirsty, so used to saying yes to everything. Why the winter sky might be the most beautiful of them all and why the cold pierces so deeply into my bones. Why my son woke up after 30 minutes when I have already spent the entire day caretaking and just want to rest for a moment. Why Hanukkah and Christmas had to fall in the same week this year and why does it feel ok for me to give this child who has everything so many more things? Why the cat keeps barfing and is endlessly hungry. Why my husband is struggling so much and what am I meant to do about it. Let it be? Discuss constantly? Why I never continued to do any of those things that brought me so much joy when I was young – acting, directing, film editing, writing (this one I do!) – which leads me to the real question about that – why did I tell myself I couldn’t do them? That I wouldn’t be good enough, competitive enough, worthy enough?
The making peace part – mostly that comes quickly with these small things. But the big questions – why I so often choose pessimism over optimism? How can I be a model for my child of all that I wish for him to be – patient, curious, light hearted and kind. For all that I wish to be.