So, shortly after being set up with Christopher the British physicist, by the good folks at People Resources, Susan developed an immediate hot crush on the tall, rangy, red head, and hoped he’d call. She felt like an anxious 15-year old waiting for the phone to ring, for the millionth time in her life, as a woman searching for love, there she was, once again fearing her own telephone. Would he or wouldn’t he? The more it didn’t ring, the surer Susan became that the phone was broken, and she actually picked the receiver up multiple times to check. She was rueful.
Here she was, putting herself out there, finding a man who ignited her senses, and she still had to go through the hell of doubting, waiting and doubting some more.She’d had enough People Resources dates to know that a good first date did not automatically result in a subsequent phone call, but she existed in hope about Christopher , the British physicist.
It was scary.
Just as scary was the way she felt and behaved on that first dinner date. She knew she liked Christopher within seconds of sitting down opposite him- something about his tall, rangy way his jacket hung on his slender frame. She could tell he had the kind of body that clothes would look effortlessly perfect on and that made her ponder, for the first time in a long time, how his body would look with no clothing on it at all.
So, naturally, she became instantly nervous and she had become self-conscious about everything she said and did, every move she made. She felt sweaty and out of control. And she kept feeling like touching him! A lot. She wanted to tousle his hair, fog his wire-rimmed glasses. She wanted to touch the eyelids that blinked over his startlingly blue eyes.
They had walked the few blocks to her apartment where he kissed her goodbye on the cheek, so of course, she was convinced he didn’t find her attractive, really….even though, over pre-dinner drinks, he had said in his charming way that he “fancied” her! But was he just being kind? She felt like such a mess.
Then, on the following Thursday, he did call.
Within a week, no matter how things got screwed up at work, no matter how busy she was, no matter how much reassurance she usually needed from her daily interactions, Susan felt happier than she had felt in a long time because she was, she finally figured out, falling in love.
“Miracles do happen”, she softly murmured to herself, when she realized what was happening.
Nothing else mattered, no other things in her life played havoc with her nerves as they usually did because soon she and the physicist were making love, fucking like bunnies every night, sometimes all night, and spending entire nights at each others’ apartments, right from the start of the relationship. They each went on a few more People Resources dates, then, professing they’d found the best of all in each other, they ceremoniously ended their People Resources memberships.
She and Christopher went on a sunny day trip to South Street Seaport, at the tip of Manhattan, shopping, having lunch, strolling along the piers, exploring the decks of the various ships anchored at the Port. At one of the shops he bought her a gorgeous blue shawl and once he’d wrapped it around her, he gave their camera to a nearby hotdog vendor and asked him to take a photo of them embracing. AS the vendor poised the camera for the shot, Christopher swept her up into his arms and kissed her, right there in front of God and everybody! Susan felt a long-vanished delight return to her dulled soul.
A man was actually there for her again, when she wanted and needed him.
On returning from a business trip out to Los Angeles, the physicist cooked a special dinner for her homecoming- though she’d only been gone week,- and he had placed bouquets of roses all over his apartment for her, until he finally looked right into her eyes and said “I just love you, that’s all”, and though she was taken by surprise (they’d only been dating a month after all) Susan managed to let the words sink in, with all the beauty of their British lilt, and she said nothing in reply. She just listened.
And as she did, with eager ears, let Christopher’s words soothe her, Susan felt an old plague return: her ugly neurosis that demanded silently, “Yeah, but are you IN LOVE with me?”
She somehow managed not to say that out loud.
She did not want to upset that particular apple cart in that particularly lovely moment.