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Missing a Life that no Longer Exists
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Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I’m going to spend it with my boyfriend and his Mom as well as good friends of ours, people I dig like my neighbors Howie and Robin and our friend Reena. Savoy said he wishes he could invite everyone who has to spend Thanksgiving alone over to his Mom’s, but he just can’t. I get it. He’s sad because he lost two close friends of his this past week. It’s the circle of life, and I feel his sadness. Last year I lost three people especially close to me.

But tomorrow is a day of being grateful and I am grateful that I don’t have to spend Thanksgiving alone. There will be FaceTime calls with the family I’m sure, and that’ll be fun. But I’d give anything to be in the same room with all my kids and grandkids, my boys cracking loud jokes and making everyone laugh. My grandkids remind me of my own crazy kids running and yelling and laughing, being kids. I don’t want a quiet Thanksgiving. I want it loud and chaotic and crazy, and something always gets knocked over and someone always mentioned the time I set the stove on fire when I attempted to cook Thanksgiving dinner long ago. I want Jen and Liezl to be there, the “ex-significant others” and all the doggies and kitties who join the fun and chase each other around. Now only one kitty and one doggy remain — my cat and Stevie’s one dog. The rest passed away, four of them this year because they don’t live as long as we do. They were part of our family circle. I miss my older daughter Melissa baking cookies or cooking something and barking orders at everyone. I miss getting out my ukulele and everyone groaning like oh no, Mom’s gonna play the ukulele and sing! and then we’d all laugh. Oh God, I miss it all.

Maybe I want a life that does not exist anymore. My kids are busy living their own lives. And that’s the way it should be. It is nostalgia for sure.

OH NO! As I type this Creative Caffeine post, I received a text from my son’s girlfriend Flower, my older son who is on dialysis and has been for about five years now. He’s in the hospital in Salem Oregon for what they believe is pancreatitis. He’s in horrible pain. I am glad he’s there but I am so freaked out. No wonder why he did not get in touch with me, oh my God. If I could only turn back time to before Stevie went on dialysis in 2016. So he will be in the hospital for Thanksgiving and beyond. Damn.


Prayers your way. _/\_

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