The last few years, it all got more difficult, most of which I chalked up to aging, weight gain, sadness at a dear friends death, seeing from our 19th floor windows a beautiful view but no foreseeable future!
In short, I lost my zest for life and had far too many moments of thinking leaving life would be more pleasing than staying it…..DO NOT WORRY, AS I AM FAR TOO COWARDLY AND CONSCIOUS OF THE LOVE OF OTHER HUMANS TO DO ANYTHING EVER REMOTELY RIDICULOUS TO MYSELF…..IT was just the thought of it felt soothing. But everytime I failed at an audition, in a raucous and busy theater career, I’d have dire dramatic thoughts…but this time, older than I’ve ever been and truly just plain old sick feeling, the thoughts brought more comfort than usual and made more sense.
Now I am here to tell you…
And happily so….
That for several years now, I have actually been sick, and didn’t know it…I only discovered it moving to rural Michigan where shortly after moving into this lovely old house, I was sure that Michigan and its pollen count were trying to kill me!
Turns out, after a fortuitous EKG CALLED FOR BY A BRILLIANT PULMONOLOGIST, I have and probably have had atrial-fibrillation and it needed to be corrected post haste.
So almost two weeks later spent in hospital under the care of a wonderful team of doctors and nurses, and one successful cardiversion procedure later, my sinus rhythm is back in working order and I’m 41 pounds of water weight lighter!!!
And I relish each moment in an old farm house that not long ago I believed was going to be the end of me.
I have not felt this good in far too long.
And unless we had moved to Michigan, I might still be dreading being alive in my cozy luxury S.F. apartment.
Modern medicine and warm hearted nurses are the blessings of our 21st century life.
Gratitude.