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There’s nothing like death of a loved one to kill all desires in one at the same time that it brings out ridiculous emotion, strange hopes, illogical behavior, insatiable sorrow, and never-ending grief — a wall of grief, a well of grief, a wave of grief that drowns you over and over again in the ocean of inconsolable grief. Well, all desires except one — to have them restored back to life fully healthy. I now get why the Orpheus myth is still so popular. What wouldn’t I do to descend into the depths of hell to retrieve my beloved husband again and bring him back to the land of the living, all healed and well. I really thought he of all people would, could, should have beat death. I had read of so many miraculous healings, all the near-death experiences, the coming back into one’s body after dying. Even when he took his last breath, I sense he was still with us in the room, getting re-oriented, reacquainted. But I also felt that huge relief. It seemed like he had escaped out of the confines of this teeny tiny human body and could finally unfurl his whole self, It was like he had wings and could finally, finally breathe a deep, full breath. I knew not to ask for anything more. Nevertheless we waited… There were so many times before this when Neil right at or even over death’s door suddenly came back full force. His brother and I hardly dared to admit it but we waited and at the same time knew that this time was markedly different. Maybe it was in the air or something. Somehow I just knew. He wasn’t coming back. And with him went all the desires and hopes and dreams we had together. Nothing seemed particularly interesting anymore. They still aren’t. I don’t really care to have a new house, a new car, new clothes, go out for a nice meal or a drink or a movie. Even if I did after he died, with Covid, all that has once again disappeared. Maybe I am cured of desire? Perhaps. I still spend time on dumb things listlessly, shop and purchase ‘useful’ things that waste my time. I don’t find much pleasure in them truly, and my heart doesn’t ever really sing with delight anymore. Maybe one day again it will, but not today. I’m just not there. Today it feels all pretty bland and boring. I’m not really worried about it. I feel my eyes have been opened in some way to a bigger truth of life. I see now why Orpheus so often comes back to life empty-handed. No wonder he, too, turns away from love –a ridiculous emotion after the loss of great love. There must be a big lesson in that for all of us. It’s just not the one I wanted. One sole desire still remains, and I remain inconsolable and unmoving in my childlike innocence and on-going temper tantrum with the universe and all the ridiculousness in me that has one big longing — to just have him back as he was once before.