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I thought I was a peaceful person. I was kind to strangers at the store, chatting casually about avocado ripeness and why the San Francisco summer isn’t cold. I held doors open and smiled as the stranger walked in. I smiled big so they could see I was peaceful and unafraid.

It’s not like that now.

I have been locked in my studio for months, wearing out my thumb as I scroll from news site to news site, reading headlines and getting mad, angry, scared. Now when I go out, I walk in the street to avoid strangers, keeping a distance that is physical, mental and emotional. I smile sometimes at small kids walking with their Mom’s but they can’t see or experience my smile.

I hate this.